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I have fought wars that left me bathed in scars
Some are on the outside, most are on the inside
My scars are numerous just like the many stars
My heart and head only seem to collide

I have learned I can no longer trust my heart
It leads me down paths I no longer wish to travel
When I followed its lead, my life was torn apart
Each time I'd watch my life begin to unravel

So from this point on, I will listen to my head
It leads me to the path I need to travel down
When I followed my heart, I almost wound up dead
I tried to keep my head above water so I'd not drown

I have always heard that one should follow their heart  
But doing so has not worked so well for me
My heart gets too emotional whereas my head is smart
Perhaps in following my head, I will finally be set free

© 2016 Suzanna Jayne Mullins  
Your sex appeal is quite notably strong
Pass me another hit from the bong
No better friends have I been among
We’ve danced and partied all night long
 
This weed is knocking me for a loop
You are new among our friendly group
Wonder which of us gave you the invite
Been fighting your animal magnetism all night
 
The weed is starting to take control
I see you looking into my very soul
My clothes are gone, I’m naked and afraid
Yours are gone also, you’re prepared to invade  

You run a finger down my trunk—
I watch my skin split wide open
Using both hands, you pull it apart
To see inside me what is broken  
I watched your hand in amazement—
You reached in and took out the dark
I turn and look around behind me
As a friend has started to bark
 
I look back at you—
You’re holding my dirty black heart
Your hand is somehow glowing
As you pull my dark heart apart
 
You touched it with your glowing finger
For there is no time at all to linger
Your touch feels like a fiery dart  
It is no longer a filthy black heart

You put it back inside my chest
You tell me now it’s important to rest
I feel like I am light as a feather
How my skin got put back together--
I have not got one clue
Believe me when I tell you--
No lie—it looks brand new

Magically, my clothes are on
I look, and yours are too
Wow! What a trip that was
Now, I bid you all adieu
 
© 2016 Suzanna Jayne Mullins  
Dear Journal:

Yes, I know, I am wearing you out today, but you look quite hungry since I have pretty much starved you as of late, until the last couple of days.

I just wanted to note that I am really enjoying reading The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath. Being mentally ill myself, as well as a woman, I can relate to a lot of what she writes. Reading her has been kind of an awakening for me. There are sometimes a word that she uses, phrases, or maybe even a memory, that incites my own thoughts and memories of things I have lived through, some good, some bad. Yet, they are totally different from hers, but still part of my life...my own story. Hmm...I find that quite interesting.

SJM 5:50 PM
  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: The Unabridged Diaries of Sylvia Plath
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: on Deviant Art
  • Eating: Nothing
  • Drinking: Water

First published on my Facebook on today's date:

Dear Journal:

Why do we let people affect us like we do? People who are really inconsequential in our daily lives? Is it me letting them have this hold on me, or is it my mental illness? I really don't know. Something for me to ponder...

I react strongly to things. I think the worst trait I have (besides the lifelong habits of biting my fingernails and playing with my hair) is the fact that I often react before I think things through. I'm sure others see this in me too, but I don't feel I am the only one who does it. Is this fact supposed to comfort me?

I write for many reasons:

First, it helps me through the trials that life throws at me, it is therapy for me. It helps me get my feelings out there rather than hold them inside, a release if you will. It is much better to release them than to hold them in, and I can write anytime. People may not always be available when I need them, or they may just not want to hear it, and make excuses to get away from me.

A lot of what I write is made public. I share my illnesses, my darkness, my light, because I am human, because I think in doing so, I might help someone else who is struggling as well. Don't you think it gives me credibility to help them when I know their pain?

Sometimes, I write strictly for entertainment purposes.

Other times, it might be me pouring out my heart through my poetry or my writing...whatever I might be feeling at that time.

I write sometimes just to have a record of certain events in my life. Perhaps, one day, I will combine it all into a book, a memoir-type thing. Who knows?

Things I have written have been published a few times. I rarely talk about it, should I feel proud? I'm really not good at tooting m own horn. I prefer to stay in the shadows...hidden. Several of my poems published on a website, an article in a magazine, and the other was several articles I wrote for my hometown newspaper. Sadly, I no longer have a copy of the magazine article. I wish I did. I can't even remember the name of the magazine, but I do remember what it was about. The thing is, I saw my name in print. Yes, I think those were proud days,

I have a thick binder of poetry that I have written. I have had several people tell me I need to be published, but I don't know. I don't really write for that reason. i write because it is something I love to do. I'm afraid it would be more like a job if I were to be published. What if the publisher wanted more? Gave me a deadline? I don't like deadlines. I feel rushed...pressured, and I don't like that feeling.

I've actually been working on a book for 18 years now. I write...I put it down...I pick it back up, and write some more...I put it back down...I know why I handle it that way, because it is painful to write about, but it is my life story, and only I can tell it...

SJM 3:18 PM

  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: The Unabridged Diaries of Sylvia Plath
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: on Deviant Art
  • Eating: Nothing
  • Drinking: Water

Originally published first on my FB

Dear Journal,

I feel very tired today. I suffer from chronic insomnia. I can't help but believe that the chemical imbalance in my brain that causes my mental illness(es), also causes my insomnia. I am not necessarily depressed...just very, very tired.

I got a book I ordered in the mail today. I have wanted it for a long time. I am very frugal about spending money since my Hubby is the only one working. I am still awaiting the judge's decision about whether or not I am going to be awarded my SSI. I am so tired of fighting for something I know I deserve. Our system is so fucked up, and no, I don't mean messed up, I mean FUCKED UP! ::smh:: I have been fighting the government for four years and five months now. Yes, I do feel it is our government, and all their bullshit red tape. It is so frustrating!!!!

Anyway, I am excited about the book. My Mom gave me birthday money and I ordered it out of that, so I wouldn't spend any of our bill/grocery/gas money.

I ordered The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath. I love her. I can relate to her as a writer/poet because I am one as well. I'm nowhere near as talented as he is, but we do have that in common! I have already read The Bell Jar. I'd love to have everything she has ever written. I think I love her so much because I can relate to her mental illness because I am plagued with it too. I know the struggles, the darkness, the hopelessness...I am thankful to God that I am doing well, but it has taken 2.5 years of therapy, and two antidepressants taken at the same time to get to this place!

It's been a lazy day. I am sitting on my bed in my undies just reading and writing. My free time is almost up. It will be on Wednesday, when my daughter goes back to school. I keep her baby while she and my grandson's Dad work, and while she is in school. He is about 21.5 months now.

I was doing so well yesterday until I walked up on my son and caught him with weed. He's been arrested 3 or 4 times for it now. If they catch him with it again, it is a felony. I, personally, am an advocate for legalizing marijuana, but I do believe that Alabama being in the Bible belt will be one of the last states to do so. I don't feel like anyone who smokes marijuana should have to go to jail or prison. I don't even think drug addicts should be put in prison. They need help, rehabilitation. I know there are some who commit heinous crimes on drugs, and the families are the ones who end up being the real victims.

Since Colorado has legalized marijuana, 60,000 people a day move there. They are getting an astronomical amount for a one room apartment there. It wouldn't be that way if it were nation wide.

All of this is just my humble opinion. I can hardly hold my eyes open. I have just enough time to grab a nap before I have to fix supper.

SJM

  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: The Unabridged Diaries of Sylvia Plath
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: on Deviant Art
  • Eating: Nothing
  • Drinking: Water
Dear Journal:

Yes, I know, I am wearing you out today, but you look quite hungry since I have pretty much starved you as of late, until the last couple of days.

I just wanted to note that I am really enjoying reading The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath. Being mentally ill myself, as well as a woman, I can relate to a lot of what she writes. Reading her has been kind of an awakening for me. There are sometimes a word that she uses, phrases, or maybe even a memory, that incites my own thoughts and memories of things I have lived through, some good, some bad. Yet, they are totally different from hers, but still part of my life...my own story. Hmm...I find that quite interesting.

SJM 5:50 PM
  • Listening to: nothing
  • Reading: The Unabridged Diaries of Sylvia Plath
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: on Deviant Art
  • Eating: Nothing
  • Drinking: Water

Journal History

deviantID

Rjet33
Susan
United States
Hello! Welcome to my DA site! Photography and writing are my passions. I just got my first DSLR in October 2010, a Canon EOS Rebel T2i complete with zoom lens (55-250mm). I love photographing the moon, trees, clouds, old buildings, sunsets, and so much more! I feel that Nature is God's canvas. It is He who inspires me. I am blessed to be able to capture His beauty through my lens. I write under my own name and my pen name, so both are my writing.


Current Residence: Alabama
Favourite genre of music: Gospel
Favourite photographer: Ansel Adams
Favourite style of art: Photography
Operating System: Windows 8
Favourite cartoon character: Scooby Doo
Personal Quote: Life is what you make it! Always reach for the stars!
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:iconstalliondesigns:
StallionDesigns Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2016   Photographer
Thank you so much for the watch. :)
Reply
:iconrjet33:
Rjet33 Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2016
You are most welcome.  Love your gallery. :)
Reply
:iconstalliondesigns:
StallionDesigns Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2016   Photographer
Thank you so much, I checked yours out, I like your work so much I had to add you to my list as well. :)
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:iconmarkotxe:
Markotxe Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2016  Hobbyist Photographer
10x a lot for your WAtch
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:iconrjet33:
Rjet33 Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2016
You are most welcome.  You have a wonderful gallery!
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:iconmarkotxe:
Markotxe Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2016  Hobbyist Photographer
thks a lot
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:iconrjet33:
Rjet33 Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2016
You are most welcome. :)
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(1 Reply)
:iconcloudwhisperer67:
Cloudwhisperer67 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2016  Hobbyist Photographer
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:iconst2wok:
st2wok Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2016
Happy Birthday! :party:
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:iconlindartz:
LindArtz Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy Birthday! :party: Cake for your BDay by KmyGraphic Celebration by Mirz123
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